Memoir

Alternating between St. Louis and San Francisco, past and present, this memoir focuses on a transformative period in my early twenties following the loss of my mother to cancer.

I remember clearly when I received the news that Broadway Books, a division of Random House, wanted to publish this book. I was at my desk at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, where I worked as an editor. Before that, I had worked at Encyclopedia Britannica, in Chicago. And before that, as an editor in Berkeley, California. I was a film school graduate with big dreams, and time was flying as I kept taking off and landing, unsure of which branch would hold.

I was elated that my book had found a home. Buoyed by the sale, and with romantic visions of authorhood, I took flight again, returning to the Bay Area where many of the events in these pages took place.

In 2004, Borderlines was published, and for a few years I experienced the excitement of engaging with readers and having a book tour. As time passed, I followed a career in media production and the book fell out of print. With the rights back in my hands, I initially planned to bring out a new edition. I reread the book and began to make edits that I thought improved the text. I ignored the distant cries from my younger self, who lived and wrote much closer to the events, and created a new cover to go with the updates.

Only after stepping away for many months and then returning to the changed text did I realize my aim was folly. I had altered the younger me in ways that aligned her with who I am now. Fewer moments of hesitation, less self-doubt. And the most candid, uncomfortable scenes were softened to fit my older, more private self.

But those hesitations had been real, and the self-doubt, my albatross. The softened scenes made no sense.

Living through those challenges, and writing about them, has led to a more stable perch, where today I can look back at that unsteady young woman and appreciate her battles.

So it feels correct, and perhaps most helpful, to let the original book stand, with used copies still out there for those who may be interested to find.